Okay, so here is a letter I randomly came up with one day. I have been pondering on the possibility of using it as a query, but as a decent intro the story I think it serves fairly well. Let me know what you think, and I will see you around!
To Whom it May Concern,
As several accounts of my actions have appeared in your journals, I have taken it upon myself to publish a personal account of the events you have endeavored to describe. You will find enclosed the true story of my actions and decisions regarding the attempt on the life of Lord Pevensley, as well as my efforts on the behalf of the Everston Academy of Ethereal Sciences. Also included are some small accounts of other cases which influenced my discovery of the perpetrators of these crimes, as well as the recorded actions of several of my friends and associates.
You will note that my account differs from several popular versions in many respects. For example, I am not, as some have alleged, a werewolf, vampire, gear driven automaton or other type of Changeling or Distillation powered creation. I am an investigator, a detective in the service of the truth, and I would thank your journal and any other publications to refer to me as such.
Furthermore I feel compelled to demand a retraction of the accusations leveled against me by your editorial board. While I am sure that many might find my actions and methods unreasonable or objectionable, I have not been, as some have said, in the service of some dark conspiracy or abhorrent scheme. I certainly have not masterminded these crimes for my own benefit, and I find myself offended that you have defamed my character to such an extent. What work I have done, I have done for the good of my patrons and clients, if not for the safety and security of my friends and family. Any implication otherwise is entirely inappropriate—and lest you believe yourself to be proof against my retaliation, let me remind you that if I was able to catch these schemers and criminals in their lies, I will hardly struggle to catch you in yours.
I trust that you will publish this account in the spirit of objectivity and fairness, without alteration or summary, and that you will retract the falsehoods previously mentioned. May we both be engaged satisfactorily in the discovery of the truth, or may we face the eternal consequences for turning away from such a mystery.
Sincerely,
Hector Kingsley
Investigator
I love it! If anything, perhaps you should make it a bit more concise before you send it out to publishers, but not if it takes away from the character's voice. Nice job--let us know what kind of responses you get!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad you liked it. Once I get the story done I will let you know how it goes. What do you think of trying to sneak the wordcount in? Or would that stretch the voice too far?
ReplyDeleteI'd probably add all the vital stuff like word count, genre, pub credits, etc in my own voice in the final paragraph, after Kingsley's signature. Whatever you feel works best, though.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the first paragraph is your best one. It tells me that there's a Victorian investigator, but gives none of that great steampunk-esque flair of the book. Later, I think you have a better line: "I am not, as some have alleged, a..." That immediately establishes the setting, voice, and a bit of conflict (why do people think he is?). I think with little or no alteration, the letter could start here and go down.
ReplyDeleteTo make it clear that it is a query, I'd include something like, "The true story of my investigations, entitled XXX, is Y words and [something witty]." I don't think that would break the voice too much.
I really like it too! It's got the usual good voice, and you do a good job getting all the information in, including the intriguing bits.
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions:
1. Hector/you are very accusatory towards your letter recipient.
Examples:
> I would thank your journal and any other publications to refer to me as such.
> I will hardly struggle to catch you in [your lies].
> I trust...that you will retract the falsehoods
Demanding, offensive, and insulting. Your reader will immediately go on the defensive.
Instead of writing to a publication that printed incorrect facts (forcing Hector to be accusatory), what if Hector wrote to a neutral third-party, attempting to correct mistakes by a different party?
2. The final paragraph is a little too bold. It takes a slightly too-preconceived expectation of publication that might seem a little cocky.
3. Finally, I agree with OLL that at the very end, you should drop out of character and give the information the agent will still want. Which means an additional suggestion would be to trim down the first part. It's already long for a query letter.
Since I loved it so much, I couldn't help critiquing it in its entirety. I know that's exactly what you were wanting.
To Whom it May Concern,
As several lurid accounts of my actions have recently appeared in popular periodicals, I have taken it upon myself to publish a personal account of the events. You will find enclosed the true story of my actions and decisions regarding the attempt on the life of Lord Pevensley, as well as my efforts on behalf of the Everston Academy of Ethereal Sciences. [No accusations! Just immediate indication of plot.]
You will note that my account differs in many respects. For example, despite allegations, I am not a werewolf, vampire, gear-driven automaton or other type of Changeling or Distillation-powered creation. I am not involved in a dark conspiracy and I certainly have not masterminded these crimes for my own benefit.
I am an investigator, a detective in the service of the truth. While many might find my methods excessive or objectionable [unorthodox?], what work I have done, I have done for the good of clients, if not all of London. [Raising the stakes.]
In the interest of exposing the truth, I trust that you will publish this account in its entirety. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to receiving your return correspondence.
Sincerely,
Hector Kingsley, [Cool Title] Investigator
Actually, as I look over it again, I'm not sure you have to drop out of character. I think Megan has it right.
ReplyDeleteModify the first paragraph so:
"As several lurid accounts of my actions have recently appeared in popular periodicals, I have taken it upon myself to publish a personal account of the events, which I have titled HECTOR KINGSLEY: INVESTIGATOR OF FUTURISTICALLY-RETRO VICTORIAN STEAMPUNK CRIMES."
Then modify the final paragraph to say something like so:
"In the interest of exposing the truth, I have confidence that you will publish this 90,000 word account in its entirety. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to receiving your return correspondence."